I don't know

So it's been quite awhile since my last entry.. I guess that's what a break can do to you. 


Anyway this time I want to talk about decisions that ultimately lead you where you eventually end up. You see one day I'm driving on that one road that I know so incredibly well, so well in fact that i could probably drive it with my eyes closed, and it is an unbelievably gorgeous day, the sun is high and the sky is blue and then that amazing feeling comes over me. You know the feeling I'm talking about. It's that feeling you get when everything is going your way, or that feeling you get listening to that one song that is so meaningful to you. It is incomparable to anything except for maybe a drug... and just then a thought slips into my mind. That thought being "Am I making the right choices in life?" 


Now, I don't mean good choices as in stay away from the bad people, and study hard and work hard but I mean choices like did I make the right choice for colleges? Is this going to take me where I eventually want to be? It's a scary feeling... the unknown. I mean one could make himself sick going over it again and again in his mind. 


Well I guess I don't know. Maybe you just have to go with your gut. I hope I've made a wise decision. 


It's also a funny thing that sometimes the thing you think you want most in life turns out to be no where near what you end up wanting. It just takes time living what you thought you wanted just to find out it really doesn't make you any happier. 


I'm starting to think that it really is the simple things in life that make you happy and it's not material at all. It's so funny how backwards a view can be until you finally begin to see clearly. And I mean really SEE. Sometimes I feel that people in general look and they say they see but do they really SEE? See the truth that is. A situation or a person for what or who it really is? I'm not sure. I think our world needs to pay better attention. We all need to OPEN our eyes and really see what this life is and then we can ask ourselves. Is this the right choice? Is this really what I want? And ultimately, am I happy?


Until next time.. are you happy?

it has to be them

You know, it's a funny thing, to want. And I'm not talking about wanting something material but instead wanting something for someone else that they don't wish to achieve for themselves.


A friend of mine and I were recently talking and came upon the topic of my mother's alcoholism. He asked me "why can't you help her?" and I told him that I have and do but it doesn't matter because she doesn't want to help herself. He then asked me, well "what's next?" and I replied "letting go" because if I don't I fear that my constant stressing and worrying about the next time I'll find her blitzed will land me in the same position she's currently in. He then proceeded to tell me "I know you've been through a lot but this is your mom killing herself" And the thing is he's right and I know that. And I see where he's coming from but there is just one problem.


I can want to help with all of my power, love and time, but if the person I am trying to help, doesn't want to take it upon themselves to make a decision with me to help themselves then all I can offer is lost. It doesn't matter how bad you want something for somebody, if they don't want it for themselves you can't do anything about it. 


This goes for other things in life as well. You can give all the advice you want to someone and carry on kicking and screaming but until they recognize that they need to make a change for themselves regarding whatever it is you will remain completely and utterly powerless. And to force something, is to just push them farther away. And it doesn't matter how obvious it is to you, it's all in what they WANT to see.


It's one of the hardest lessons I think a person has to learn, but it is reality.


It's not that we've all given up on the ones we love, it's just we can't be a part of them hurting themselves anymore and so we will wait patiently for them until they SEE the truth of what their lives have become and when they allow themselves to receive help, we will be there thankful at last.


until next time, encourage, but realize the choice is not your own.