Pullulate

You could
have walked
down,


The opposite 
side of Vine.


Instead,
you parade
your life
past my soul.


It is shredded
into thousands
of little pieces


and disperses 
itself into


the craters 
of Mind.


Never to return.
Self-damaging
at all costs.


-Ailee John

As Promised...

The sunset/moon rise at Indian Rock was super stunning!

i promised to bring
pix to the peeps
so imma keep
my promises
i speak

BEHOLD--!

Mind blowing experiences left and right in the Bay of CA ALLL DAYYY :)

Stay tuned pawty people

A "Found" Poem

Horoscope

Sometimes you need
to just wander
off on your own
and deal with life--
or think things through.

Today's thoughtful energy
helps you make
some serious headway
into a difficult problem.

-Ailee John

Okay so just in case you are unsure of what a "found" poem is, I will give a little explanation. It is when you find something just written such as a paragraph in a story, copy in an advertisement or so on so forth and then you take this writing and add line breaks in order to turn it into an effective poem. For this poem, I used my daily horoscope that is emailed to me every day! I hope you enjoyed!

A Bit From My Past

Today I am bringing a special treat to those reading this. I've just gone over my most recent journal and I decided I'm going to share a few excerpts from my thoughts past that really got me thinking again...

enjoy.

3/18/09 9:54 PM

...Ugh. Death. It's just such a huge concept and so unknown and so.... inconvenient. That sounds horrible doesn't it? Of course death is inconvenient what else is it going to be? I wonder why life is the way it is. Why do you learn how to cope with one tragedy and then receive another? It really makes me wonder if everyone has a final date already set and thats it for you, that is your DAY, the day death is yours. Or, is it just random? You don't have a time, things just happen and they are unlucky. Of course no one knows, or do they? What about those people who die, and are officially dead but are revived back to life. Do they know what death is like? Can they remember? Can they tell us? When they were dead I wonder if a voice told them it was not their time yet and they were allowed to come back to life. I want to meet one of these people. Maybe they know more than the rest of us. I don't want want to deal with all this. It's so frustrating. Sometimes when I think about life and death, living and dying the concepts are so wide and abstract and they are real. Or are they? I don't really like it when my mind wanders to these places because it is such an intense thing to grasp. There's a lot I think people don't realize like time moves incredibly fast, and a person's lifetime is an eternity to them, but nothing in the sense of overall time. Everyone is going to get older and eventually they will die. It's so odd. These concepts all seem so upfront until you really explore them. Life, Death its so uncertain. If you live in fear of dying isn't a part of you already dead? I don't know. This probably doesn't make any sense. Who knows....


7/7/09 9:37 PM


....WHY am I so angry? I didn't know I was that angry. I guess now I know. But what's next? I don't want to be angry anymore. I can't be angry anymore. I just can't do it. I've got to start over. I've got to let it ALL go. Everything. And start new. I've got to try at least. I HAVE to be different....


....Life is so confusing. I don't know what I want anymore. Things I used to dream of don't really make sense anymore. But part of me still wants them. Most of us (humans) are all fake. We act like we are golden and we do so much but secretly we're selfish. The world is selfish. Human wants are infinite. Nothing and no one is/are what they seem....


7/19/09 11:53 PM

Detached from the world is how I spent my day....

Today I had a thought about cars. They are so strange. It's like we're all driving our own little capsules! Odd Odd Odd!

The book Be Here Now= extraordinary absolutely mind blowing!


8/1/09 2:45 AM

Why is it that I'm always up late? I don't like to sleep late.....


...this isn't all about me. It is about us.
America, the world, we all need to wake the fuck up! Stop being oppressed. 
People need to FEEL again. The world has been too NUMB.


That is what is happening. People are becoming numb.


I will not be numb. I always want to feel the world, the universe. I want to interact.
Everyone should interact!!

I work at Barley. Do you know what I notice? I notice people avoid eye-contact and become nervous around people (myself and others) greeting them at the door. It is so odd. Most people would rather just walk by and ignore the person.


A very imporant movie: Waking Life
A good game: scattergories. I can't believe I haven't played in so long, it's great brain exercise! I love it.








Well that's all folks. I hope you enjoyed.
Until next time.. relive your own moments, you'll find yourself revealed in them.

the typical struggle

"Cause all the roads we have to walk are winding, and all the lights that lead us there are blinding, and there are many things that I would like to say to you but I don't know how...yeah I don't know how"


Oh that song.. so good until it happens to you-- haha.


I don't really have anything to say in this post.. I'll just be blogging it in my head for the rest of eternity if I must.. doing everything to keep it inside of my mind.


The mind is a most dangerous place under the right circumstances..


one must be wary of the mind. it can enlighten you, but it also retains the power to destroy you. whAT a funny thing. and yes- so is life.

I don't know

So it's been quite awhile since my last entry.. I guess that's what a break can do to you. 


Anyway this time I want to talk about decisions that ultimately lead you where you eventually end up. You see one day I'm driving on that one road that I know so incredibly well, so well in fact that i could probably drive it with my eyes closed, and it is an unbelievably gorgeous day, the sun is high and the sky is blue and then that amazing feeling comes over me. You know the feeling I'm talking about. It's that feeling you get when everything is going your way, or that feeling you get listening to that one song that is so meaningful to you. It is incomparable to anything except for maybe a drug... and just then a thought slips into my mind. That thought being "Am I making the right choices in life?" 


Now, I don't mean good choices as in stay away from the bad people, and study hard and work hard but I mean choices like did I make the right choice for colleges? Is this going to take me where I eventually want to be? It's a scary feeling... the unknown. I mean one could make himself sick going over it again and again in his mind. 


Well I guess I don't know. Maybe you just have to go with your gut. I hope I've made a wise decision. 


It's also a funny thing that sometimes the thing you think you want most in life turns out to be no where near what you end up wanting. It just takes time living what you thought you wanted just to find out it really doesn't make you any happier. 


I'm starting to think that it really is the simple things in life that make you happy and it's not material at all. It's so funny how backwards a view can be until you finally begin to see clearly. And I mean really SEE. Sometimes I feel that people in general look and they say they see but do they really SEE? See the truth that is. A situation or a person for what or who it really is? I'm not sure. I think our world needs to pay better attention. We all need to OPEN our eyes and really see what this life is and then we can ask ourselves. Is this the right choice? Is this really what I want? And ultimately, am I happy?


Until next time.. are you happy?

Who am I?

Hi Everyone, or at least those still reading...


It has recently occurred to me at the comment of a friend that I haven't told you anything about myself since I began this blog. So I thought I would share a bit about myself for this time around.


Oh boy where to start..


I guess I could say first off that I think there are two parts to a person. The first part being how the person THINKS they are in their own head and the second part is how they ACTUALLY are in reality and when viewed (and let's face it "judged" in some way) by others. 


I used to think I was many many things, and it wasn't until about my senior year of high school and into my first years of college that I realized I had myself all wrong. I used to think that I was completely normal and that I could never do any wrong. I also considered myself spontaneous and care-free. Looking back I think that all I had to do was experience more in life to realize that I did not have all the answers about life or myself. Over time I realized that every day is a new chance to learn and new chance to change and more importantly a new chance to become the person you want to be. 


So maybe now you're wondering what did I learn about myself? Well I will tell you.


One of the first things I think I have to address is the fact that I am absolutely not normal. As to whether that is a good or bad thing remains to be seen (haha). I don't have a problem free family or a perfect life. I am definitely not care-free in fact I worry about a lot of things, most of them unnecessary, so that is definitely something that I am working on. I also learned that I can come off a certain way to people, which is not something that I'm sure a person can change being that you can't control other peoples minds--at least not yet. But, I think that the most important thing I have learned in all is what I actually want out of my life. You see, I used to be so materialistic and I wanted an independent, glamorous city lifestyle with lavish clothing, and parties and all I could see was me me me, nothing of real substance was in the picture.  I knew my entire life plan from start to finish and god forbid it didn't happen exactly as I imagined it. While some of this is okay, extremes are usually never good. Since then, I have realized that life is so much more than all of that. And this next part might shock those of you who thought you knew me so well. I know I want to really live. I want to experience life and feel fulfilled. I want to experience new interests as often as possible. I want to be able to hike in the woods and clear my thoughts and travel to beautiful places all around the world. I want to share all of this with friends and a significant other. I don't want to live life with all the material possessions anyone could ever buy, and in the process sacrifice real happiness. I want to be able to go to bed at night with someone I care about, rather than alone no matter how gorgeous the space.


Because of this, it's fair for me to say I am always changing, always trying (at least) to improve and to know myself better so as of right now, these are somethings about me:


I love nature, music, art, traveling and conversations with people.
I'm a bit strange sometimes and quite enjoy making sound effects randomly.
I am passionate and I put my heart into things that I really believe in or love doing. 
YES i DO have a nasty temper sometimes, but I'm trying to improve. I mean it.
I stress out beyond what I need to.
It bothers me when I can't understand someone or their way of thinking.
I try to be a good listener and offer advice from the heart, which has landed me in some less than desirable circumstances to say the least.
I have no idea what tomorrow will bring, or if I am ready, but I know I will try nonetheless
I want a career in fashion (i think) and thats why I go to to FIT in New York City. Either way it's an experience.
I love and hurt deeply and personally.
I don't know everything, but I'm always trying to learn more.
I believe that everything happens for a reason.




So I hope that this has been somewhat entertaining somehow and let you in a bit more on who I am..


Until Next Time... re-evaluate yourself.. you might just be surprised with what you find!

"Be Here Now"

Life is a constant learning experience. There have been so many times when I have practically thought myself into tears in terms of all of life's unknowns. Where am I going? Will I ever get where I want to be? How can I do this, and that? There is so much that people constantly worry about but I am learning how silly it is to worry. The amount of unnecessary stress that is caused by worrying is rediculous, and even worse could eventually end your life! Talk about scary! Which is why it is so important to "Be Here Now" The moment is the only thing that is relevant. Seriously. Right now. That's it. It's so simple because the past doesn't matter-- you have no control over it, and the future is irrelevant because we haven't gotten there yet. The only thing that is important is the moment. 

In the last year, my dad recommended a book to me, which in fact has been the basis of this post. The book is called "Be Here Now" and was written by Baba Ram Dass, who was formally known as Dr. Richard Alpert. I suggest it as a good read for anyone who wants a different and more open perspective towards life. It has definitely shaped mine and I am so glad to have read it. 


Until next time, remember: Be Here Now